Alabama vs. Kent State - Building on his epic performance on the final possession of last year's Iron Bowl, A.J. McCarron shoots down Kent State like an angry National Guardsman.
Alabama vs. Penn State - Penn State wins this game despite Joe Pa breaking his hip running into the tunnel at halftime.
Alabama vs. North Texas - bama wins this game, because no team named the "Mean Green" ever beats an SEC team.
Alabama vs. Arkansas - Arkansas wins after Petrino out scowls Saban.
Alabama vs. Florida - Florida wins after Will Muschamp headbutts each of his defensive linemen in a pre-game pep talk, leaving him bloodied and confused, which allows Charlie Weiss to take over the team. With the benefit of secretly filmed videotapes of bama practices, Weiss out duels Saban in the second half while munching on some cheese Krystals.
Alabama vs. Vanderbilt - Vandy wins after new coach James Franklin intimidates bama with his all-world recruiting class for 2012 and continually taunts A.J. McCarron for his ridiculous "bama boy" tattoo.
Alabama vs. Ole Miss - bama wins because Houston Nutt is on the opposite sideline and is constantly distracted by his cell phone.
Alabama vs. Tennessee - Tennessee pulls this one out in the final seconds of the game. In his post-game interview, Derek Dooley credits Barbara Dooley for his first successful foray into clock management. Dooley says, "Once I made my Mommy quit calling into Finebaum's show, it freed my mind up to concentrate on more important matters."
Alabama vs. LSU - bama wins after Les Miles mismanages the final ticks on the clock and fails to run another play after having 1st down on the 1 foot line with 1:23 left to play. Miles subsequently calls Derek Dooley for advice.
Alabama vs. Miss. State - bama whips Mississippi State for letting Cam Newton get out of Mississippi last year.
Alabama vs. Georgia Southern - bama lays the wood to Georgia Southern after Saban "reminds" them that Jimmy Rane is Georgia Southern's president.
Alabama vs. Auburn - Auburn wins this game despite the invasion of Updykes and, in a bit of cosmic karma, Alabama's off-season pledge of "NEVER AGAIN", which it adopted after blowing a 24-0 lead in last year's Iron Bowl, gets replaced by a loop of Pat Dye's famous "again and again and again" speech.
Final Record: 5-6
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